I was catching up with one of my fellow partners after a heated meeting and I found myself apologizing for pushing the team harder than they want to be pushed.

He responded, “Robert, next time, think about this apology before you do what you do. Either don’t push people hard or don’t apologize for it if you feel justified to do so. It’s not effective leadership to keep doing the same thing and apologizing for it.”

This brief comment has been effective in reminding me to think before I act. It has helped me be more purposeful to avoid actions that would require an apology in the future. It has also given me the courage to not apologize for behaviors I don’t feel are wrong.

If you find yourself apologizing frequently for being late, not responding, or being unprepared, think about your apology before you decide to leave your house 15 minutes later, put off an email request, or decide to wing it.

What do you find yourself typically apologizing for?

Photo by Matthew Henry

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I wish I could say no to everything that didn’t move me closer to my goals but it’s just not easy for me. I have a hard time saying no. I fear missing out on a life-changing opportunity or disappointing the people who come to me for help.

As I balance work, two young kids at home, and an Executive MBA, I find that I’m forced to prioritize and make trade-offs. One mindset shift that has helped me better manage requests is to view my time as a valuable currency that can be invested in activities.

Every request is a pitch for my time and as with all investment decisions, it’s important to do my due diligence. A few questions I find helpful to:

• Ask the person making the request:
  • Why did you come to me with this request?
  • What exactly do you need from me? By when?
  • Who else have you asked?
  • If the other person is my boss, I might ask:
    • How would you like me to prioritize this task?
    • What other projects should I delay or stop doing? 

• Ask myself:
  • Will this activity give me the most return towards one of my key goals or enhance a relationship I want to build?
  • What will I give up if I take this on? What are the opportunity costs? 
  • How else can I help this person without investing too much of my time?

Running through this checklist of questions allows me to slow down the decision process and hear the other person’s reasons for his or her request. If it’s a thoughtless request, it’ll be much easier to say no. If it’s an interesting or worthwhile ask, then I won’t feel guilty taking it on.

Managing my time as investable currency has helped me say no more easily and live life by design and not by default. Hopefully, if you have a hard time saying no, these questions can help you better manage the countless requests that come your way.

Inspired by Bill Jensen and The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier

Photo by XoMEoX

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“So, what can I do to get promoted?” 

Many of the managers I coach have told me this scenario is becoming more and more common. In an era of ever-shortening job tenures, employees seem to be taking the initiative on advancing their own careers more than they used to. They’re less likely to wait for someone to give them what they believe they deserve.

That may not always pay off. Instead of admiring your initiative, your manager may find your request annoying, entitled, and lacking in the self-awareness it usually requires to earn a promotion. In fact, after reading my article on asking for what you want, one senior executive wrote to me to vent his frustration on precisely this point. Here’s how he put it:

“there’s a certain level of accountability that’s missing in our society today. Before you ask, I think you need to demonstrate a level of proficiency/impact … I have had people ask me for more when they haven’t finished their “current job”. One needs to be self-aware and assess where he is before asking for more. I am put off when folks ask for more too early. This is also the number one gripe managers have with millennials.” 

He goes on to suggest that employees ask themselves (before asking their managers),

“What do I need to do before you say yes?”

To get the guidance you need without coming across entitled, consider doing the following before you approach your manager:

1. Master your current role

Doing your job competently does not mean you’ve mastered it.

In Joe Azelby’s book, Kiss Your BUT Goodbye, he highlights how what he terms “PSA”, or “Premature Self Adulation,” limits one’s career. The key point is that you want to have a clear picture of your abilities—specifically, one that squares with your boss’s view of them.

You may believe you’re doing a great job, but is that recognized by others and reflected in the less-subjective measures of your performance? If you’re in sales, for instance, are you the top seller on your team? If you’re in a service role, are your client-satisfaction scores the highest possible?

Before you ask for a promotion or more responsibility, crush your current job by doing every aspect of it consistently better than others. “Satisfactory” probably isn’t good enough.

2. Know your WHAT as well as your WHY

To make for the most productive conversation with your boss, know not just WHAT you want but WHY you want it. Sometimes your boss may not be able to give you WHAT you ask for at the time that you ask for it, for reasons beyond her control – office politics, market conditions, what have you. But she may still be able to meet your requests in other ways if you can articulate your WHY.

When you ask for a promotion, what is the real ask? Is it more engaging work, better access to key clients, developing your skills, earning more money, etc.? None of these is necessarily more valid than the others, but you need to be clear and honest about your rationale. Once your boss knows why you’re interested in a promotion at this stage, they’ll find ways to accommodate you as best they can if they truly value you.

3. Make it easy to say “yes”

Be ready to have something to show for yourself that proves your worth. Have specific evidence of your performance. Especially if you’re worried your boss will feel you’re not ready, you want to show that:

• You’re already doing what will be asked of you in the new role
• Your new role will help your boss or firm achieve their strategic goals
• Others, including those senior to you and your boss, will vouch for you

When you show how your promotion helps your boss and remove many of the risks, the decision becomes much easier to make.

The next time you want to ask for a promotion, remember to first:

1. Crush it in your current role
2. Understand clearly WHAT you want and WHY you want it
3. Collect evidence that makes it hard to say “no”

One bonus tip is to pick the right time to ask. Know what’s happening around you – if you’re not in the right industry or your firm is experiencing tough times, there might not be any room for you to move up. If you’re in this situation, figure out what you want and why you want it. This will help you decide whether it’s worthwhile to stay or to go.

Adapted from Robert’s article at Fast Company.

Photo by Jason Hargrove

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At some point in your career, you will encounter uncivil situations at work.

Your colleague knowingly takes credit for your work. Your boss berates you and actively blocks your next career move. Your colleague interrupts you in a meeting or checks their email during your presentation.

No matter how others disrespect you, your response to these uncivil situations is what counts.

To preserve the peace, most people let it go and respond with silence. This may work in the short-term but if the issue persists, silence often shifts to violence in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, disengagement or in some cases, real violence.

To be take back control of a situation that seems out of your control, consider the 5 C’s:

Clarity

Get a clear and accurate picture of what is actually happening. What assumptions are you making about the situation and the other person’s behavior?

What you might perceive as being unreasonable or unfair may be legitimate and justified from the other person’s point of view.

For example, if your co-worker jumps in during your presentation at work. You may perceive that action as taking credit for your work while your colleague thought she was jumping in to help you out because you seemed to be struggling.

The best way to challenge your assumptions is to ask the other person why they did what they did. It’s important to keep a neutral tone when you ask as opposed to using an accusatory one. To help you stay neutral, give the other person the benefit of the doubt first.

Contribution

Many times, other people’s actions are a response to your actions.

Look closely at your actions and see if they might be misperceived. A good question to ask yourself,

“Why would a rational, good person do

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“You have to be more visible.”

If you’re an introvert, you might have heard these two pieces of feedback before. And if you’re a high performer, they can be especially irksome. Speaking up just isn’t something you do. But be that as it may, failing to make your voice heard at pivotal moments might be hurting your career.

Most high-performing introverts tend to have good reasons for staying quiet during meetings and other situations where sharing their views would be helpful. In those cases, it first helps to figure out which of your assumptions are preventing you from contributing to the discussion.

Here are three of the most common reasons, and how to overcome them:

“I want to be respectful.”

Good intention: When you’re invited to a senior-level meeting, chances are you’re one of the more junior employees in the room. Your natural tendency might be to defer to those more senior to you and soak in the conversation since it’s not your place to talk. This deferential inclination is especially strong for individuals raised in cultures that respect and value hierarchy.

Unintended impact: Your deference causes you to become invisible in the meeting. When no one knows you, they don’t know what you can do and will not think of you come promotion time. After you reach a certain level, the number of senior executives who know you and have a good impression of you will directly correlate with your career success.

Practical Fix: Prepare to say something at the meeting. One senior executive shared with me that for every meeting he goes to, he’ll ask the person who invited him the following questions: who is going to be there, why has he been invited and what will we be discussing? He then takes time to prepare how he’ll add value to the conversation.

Understand that you can share your viewpoints and still be respectful. As long as you can contribute something substantive without overstepping your bounds or reaching beyond your knowledge base, you’ll be fine. For every meeting, strive to say at least one thing – you can ask a question, play back what you’ve heard or comment on what’s being said.

“I have nothing else to add.”

Good intention: Everything that needs to be said has already been shared. You hate it when others waste time saying nothing in meetings, so you refrain from talking for the sake of talking. If you’re a good listener and have a tendency to let others speak first, or if you’re on a team with a few dominant personalities, you’ll most likely fall into this category.

Unintended impact: Imagine seeing yourself from another attendee’s perspective. Even if you have the best ideas, someone who doesn’t know you will reasonably assume you don’t have any ideas as long as you don’t share them. Worse, you might be perceived as someone who doesn’t care. Neither one of these misperceptions will help you in your career, and it’s up to you to set them straight.

Practical Fix: Speak up earlier. If you wait until the end of the meeting, chances are someone else will already have shared your idea. Make it your goal to be one of the first two people to speak in the meeting. You might also want to observe those who speak up first, and note what they say and how they say it.

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

Good intention: You don’t want to appear incompetent in front of people who will judge you and have a say in your career. If you’re with a client, you may not want to say anything to jeopardize the deal or damage the relationship. Why not let your more senior and experienced colleagues handle it? Isn’t that why they are there in the first place?

Unintended impact: Your client sees you as the scribe or assistant and you never build the working relationship you need to get to the next level. For internal meetings, your boss thinks you don’t have a mind of your own and sees you more as an order-taker than an influencer.

Practical Fix: Before the meeting, ask your more senior colleagues what they want you to cover and how they want you to participate. This will help you decide when you can jump in during the meeting. You might also ask your senior colleagues to help pull you into the conversation for certain topics.

During the meeting, for every question that’s asked, come up with you answer silently and compare it to what your more senior colleagues are saying. As your answers begin to consistently align with what you hear, you’ll gain the confidence to speak up knowing that your responses will be on the right track.

Being invited to a senior-level meeting or a high stakes pitch are rare windows of opportunity showcase yourself. Don’t waste it. Prepare diligently for the meeting and be clear on the value you can add to the conversation. When you do share your views, make sure it’s concise, articulate and focused on the topic at hand. There is nothing more annoying than to hear someone trying to impress others or prove how smart or how hard-working they are.

Speaking up effectively is a delicate balance. If you don’t talk, no one knows you. If you talk too much, people begin to wonder, “Who do you think you are?”

To fine tune this balance, get feedback after a meeting wraps up. If your manager or mentor will be there, share with them beforehand that you’re working on speaking up and ask them to give you specific feedback and feedforward (suggestions for improvement) after. They’ll let you know if you need to speak up even more, or if you’re going overboard.

When it’s between speaking up or staying quiet, your habit will be to let others talk. Consciously take the risk to speak up whenever you can – the upside is tremendous and the downside is fairly limited.

Original version first published by Fast Company.

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