When I asked a senior leader what his key to success was, he simply answered:
“I ask for what I want.”
Simple, straightforward and …
… surprisingly rare.
As a high performer, you might be used to other people tapping you on the shoulder for bigger opportunities, but as you continue to rise in your career, the shoulder tapping stops. Once you’re at a certain level, everyone is awesome and only the individuals who proactively ask for the right opportunities to develop their skills and profile will continue to rise to the highest levels.
So why aren’t more people asking for what they want?
Here are some common reasons:
Not Knowing It Is Possible
Many people don’t ask because they don’t realize asking is an option. We’re usually given a selection of items to choose from and we assume those are all the choices available to us. In some cases, that may be true but in many cases, it is not. The only way to find out is by asking for what you want.
See everything as being negotiable and begin making specific requests. To test this in a low stakes situation, go to any restaurant and ask for an option that is not on the menu and see what happens. You may be surprised.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
– Wayne Gretzky, Professional Hockey Player
Low Self-Esteem
When people don’t deem themselves as important, they see their requests in the same way. They don’t feel worthy of getting what they want and they stop themselves from asking through negative self-talk such as “who am I to ask for …” or “I’m not worth the trouble“.
This is dangerous thinking because it affects all aspects of your life (health, relationships, career, etc). To overcome this, understand that only you can determine what you are worth and that you are worth it. You deserve to live your best life and to do that, you need to ask for what you want.
When people deny your request, know that it is not personal and it’s not a reflection or confirmation of your worth. More often that not, people have their own reasons for saying “no” and it almost never has anything to do with you.
“You create your opportunities by asking for them“
– Shakti Gawain, Author
Limiting Assumptions
“I don’t want to appear weak or needy.”
“If they value me, I don’t have to ask.”
“No one cares.”
If you assume these statements to be true, then most likely you won’t ask for what you want. Instead, if you believe that:
“Only the powerful ask for what they want.”
“People value me but they can’t read my mind.”
“Everyone cares.”
Then you’ll probably be more inclined to be upfront with your requests.
There is no right or wrong when choosing your beliefs. You can choose the first set or the second set or create your own. Why not choose the set of beliefs that will allow you to live a happy life.
In life, the choice is always yours. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you what to believe and what is right. Collect information and decide on your own.
“If you always put a limit on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”
– Bruce Lee, Martial Artist and Actor
If you view asking for what you want as a form of empowerment, consider this approach:
- Ask confidently and specifically from someone who has the power to give you what you want.
- Always be respectful and understand that it is not personal when people tell you “no”.
- Be persistent and patient – ask someone else, choose a different time to ask, break your request down into smaller pieces.
No matter what you do and where you are, you’re going to be more effective if you begin asking for what you want.
So … what are you going to ask for today?
