I was catching up with one of my fellow partners after a heated meeting and I found myself apologizing for pushing the team harder than they want to be pushed.

He responded, “Robert, next time, think about this apology before you do what you do. Either don’t push people hard or don’t apologize for it if you feel justified to do so. It’s not effective leadership to keep doing the same thing and apologizing for it.”

This brief comment has been effective in reminding me to think before I act. It has helped me be more purposeful to avoid actions that would require an apology in the future. It has also given me the courage to not apologize for behaviors I don’t feel are wrong.

If you find yourself apologizing frequently for being late, not responding, or being unprepared, think about your apology before you decide to leave your house 15 minutes later, put off an email request, or decide to wing it.

What do you find yourself typically apologizing for?

Photo by Matthew Henry

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These were the questions I asked myself during Professor Stew Friedman’s Total Leadership program at Wharton. What attracted me to take this course was Stew’s concept that work-life balance doesn’t work because it implies having to make trade-offs. Instead of managing life as slices of a pie that gets smaller or bigger at the expense of each other, his alternative was to consider different areas of your life as independent circles that can potentially overlap with each other.

This new construct helped me unlock the creativity to better optimize my life and it has transformed the way I live and work.

Before this course, I felt at the whim of my goals and the needs of my stakeholders. I felt forced to make tradeoffs in one area of my life because of the demands of another area and instead of leading my life, it was leading me. The process I learned in this live workshop with peer coaching helped me gain control over the important areas of my life. You’ll see below five insights that might be helpful to you as you think about leading all areas of your life:

Lead Your Life: Don’t Use One Area of Your Life to Make Excuses for Another Area

Before this program, I would often feel guilty that I did not get home early enough to spend time with my kids. I would use work as my excuse and rationalize that now is the time to focus on my career and once I’ve “made it”, I can carve out more time for family. Along the same vein, I would use my two young sons as the excuse for not exercising. I would tell myself, “How can I afford to work out if I don’t even have enough time to spend with my kids?” Then I would use the time I needed for work, school, family, and exercise to justify why I slept on average only five hours each night.

I found myself often saying how much I wanted to do these things but explaining how I couldn’t because of the many legitimate excuses that I had. Looking back, that was a weak way of living. This experience has taught me to either do what I say is important to do or stop saying it’s important to me. Either way is fine but continuing to make excuses is not.

As part of this course, we all conducted personal experiments. For my experiments, I committed to getting 7+ hours of sleep, getting home before 7pm during most of the work week, and exercising daily, which included running 2x a week. I was initially skeptical since I’ve had so many false starts trying to implement similar positive habits but I’m excited to share that so far I’ve not only sustained these habits but I just completed my first half-marathon after never running a race in the past.

What made the difference this time was clarifying the vision I wanted for my life and taking control to bring that vision to life. Essentially, leading myself to where I wanted to go.

Sleep Really Matters

I was lucky to choose sleeping 7+ hours as one of my experiments because there was no habit change that yielded faster and more drastic results than getting 7+ hours of sleep. I used to subscribe to the “you can sleep when you retire” and “I’m successful because I work harder and longer than everyone else” mantra. I’m beginning to see the fault in this thinking and realizing that I may have spun my wheels more often than I am aware of or care to admit.

After consistently getting 7+ hours of sleep, I noticed my mood becoming more positive and relaxed. What surprised me the most was that I immediately stopped craving coffee (I was drinking about 2-3 cups a day for the last few years).

I also found sleeping sufficiently a linchpin habit. The days when I was well rested, I almost always completed every other habit change along with my work and school goal for that day. It allowed me to exercise more self-control and discipline.

Create Constraints to Force Creativity

Forcing myself to get home early, sleep enough hours, and exercise daily meant taking time away from other areas of my life, especially work. Initially, I was worried I wouldn’t get my work done leading to adverse consequences. What I found instead was the most important work was still getting done and since my deadlines were tighter, I became more effective with my time. Having less time for work began to prevent me from over-engineering my work and school projects.

It also helped me to be more creative about my time. Instead of agreeing to drinks or dinner with a client, I would offer to meet for breakfast or lunch so I can keep my commitment to get home early. I started running and working out with other people as a great way to catch up with them. Interestingly, by creating constraints and forcing myself to keep these new habits, the quality of my life has increased at home and at work.

Be the Building Block for Other People’s Goals

One of the key exercises in the Total Leadership process was to set up conversations with the most important stakeholders in the different areas of your life. The goal is to ask your stakeholders about their expectations for you and how you’re doing in meeting those expectations.

Holding these conversations, I realized that I often see people around me as building blocks to my success and drive our interactions in the direction of my agenda and accomplishing my goals. Hearing people’s expectations of me have made me realize that other people have their own needs and aspirations and to create long-term, positive relationships with them, I need to be the building block for their goals and success.

If you want people to see you as a leader, they first have to recognize that their life will be better because they follow you. There is no better way to do that than to become a critical part in their quest for success and meaning.

Grow the Relationships You Take for Granted

Every year I have clear goals to improve and to grow my career. It seems like the natural thing to do. What’s interesting is when I reflect on my closest relationships, I don’t have the same aspirational tendency. I don’t think about growing these relationships and at best, the relationship stays where it is. The only time I pay attention is when the relationship gets strained and I spend just enough energy to get it back to the original level.

Applying the same growth mentality from my career to my personal relationships, I asked my wife, family, and others close to me what we needed to do to take our relationship to the next level. Just by having these conversations, my key relationships are beginning to thrive and grow and it’s having a positive impact on other areas of my life. When you ask people about their needs and truly listen, they often become open to sincerely understanding your needs. Another benefit to this exercise is it allows you to decide which relationships may not be worth investing in because the other person doesn’t want to engage.

To start this journey, craft the vision for your life and clarify your values. You choose the life you want to have and the key idea is to align your actions to bringing to life your vision. Stay attuned to how you’re tracking to your vision and continue iterating with experiments to find overlap in the different circles of your life.

If you would like to dive in deeper, check out Stew’s Total Leadership book, which outlines the exercises in his process. You can also take the Coursera version of the course.

Photo by Brooke Lark

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Despite varying and sometimes contradicting perspectives on how best to succeed professionally, most leaders agree that a mentor is one of the most valuable people to have on your career journey. Unfortunately, if you’re not sure how to set up and manage this relationship, it can be a waste of everyone’s time. The good news is being a great mentor and mentee is not too hard if you’re serious about it.

The first step to a strong mentoring relationship is setting clear expectations and ground rules. What are the agreed-upon goals for this relationship? How often will you meet and for how long? What will happen when your goals are accomplished?

Once everyone agrees on what’s expected, keep in mind the following role-specific tips:

For Mentors:

As a mentor, your job is to add value to your mentee’s professional life by encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone and marshaling your resources to help them. Your help might come in the form of insightful advice, honest feedback or a connection to someone in your network.

To be a great mentor, be:

• Worthy: Practice what you preach so your mentee will benefit just from observing and interacting with you. Listen closely to the expectations and goals of your potential mentee. Be upfront about whether you can really help. If you haven’t walked the path that your mentee wants to take, you might be better off declining the relationship.
• Available: Your mentee will need you most during difficult and uncertain times. It’s difficult to know when those times will be. If your schedule doesn’t allow you the flexibility to connect with your mentee when he or she needs you, you might want to reconsider being a mentor.
• Caring: If you’re mentoring to check the “I’m mentoring others” box or because you think the mentor label will look good to other people, your mentoring relationship will probably fizzle out soon after it starts. See mentoring as a gift from the other person to you as opposed to a gift from you to them.

One of the most impactful actions a mentor can take is to give confidence to your mentees and help them see that they can perform beyond what they thought possible. In Hamilton: The Musical, George Washington models this by empowering Alexander Hamilton with the line “I know that greatness lies in you.” Try that line with your mentee.

For Mentees:

As a mentee, your job is to make your mentors glad that they’ve decided to work with you. You do this by taking their advice, helping them see your progress and making their lives easier. A few ways to do that is to be:

• Teachable: If you fight or disregard every idea your mentor shares with you, they will disengage. Be open to what you hear and give it shot before you say no or make excuses.
• Prepared: Set an agenda, ask specific questions relevant to your goals and show what you’ve done and learned
• Accountable: Follow through and do what you say you’ll do, then set the next meeting. If your mentor has to chase you to get an update, you’re making them work too hard.

When looking for a mentor, remember this Chinese proverb,

“To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.” 

Find mentors who are just one or two steps ahead of you so they can give you practical advice. The idea is to find someone experienced, available and willing so they can invest meaningfully in this relationship. You can still network with people much more senior to you and ask them to mentor you, but just remember the path they’ve taken may no longer exist and they may have trouble relating to your challenges.

Get mentors for different areas of your life. Look at your strengths and weaknesses and ask yourself whether the person you want to mentor you excels in the area you want mentoring in.

The hardest part is actually getting a great mentor to say yes. To get the attention of mentors, show that you’re worth investing in by showing resourcefulness, exuding a strong work ethic and doing great things. It’s much easier to say yes to you if the other person is excited about contributing to your success.

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During a recent trip to Los Angeles, the head of sales for a top financial services firm reflected on his career and shared with me that the #1 factor for most employee’s success, including executives, is the quality of their boss.

When you work for a manager who is a superstar, they will continue to move up in their career, which creates space for you to advance. If they get promoted, there is a good chance that they will actively pull you up with them as long as you have a strong working relationship and continue to perform.

If you don’t work for a top performer, you run the risk of that person seeing you as a threat since there is a good chance you’ll end up taking their job. Instead of focusing on their goals and finding ways to outperform their peers, they will expend their energy holding you back and shooting down your ideas. It’s not personal, it’s self-preservation.

Poor performing managers will also have trouble fighting for the limited resources of the firm and influencing the organization to focus on your team’s initiatives. This means working with smaller budgets and working on low-priority projects.

If you are a high-performer, you want to work for someone who is constantly growing so you don’t outgrow them. An easy way to tell whether someone is a superstar is to look at their work history. In their LinkedIn profile, bio, resume or website, do you see any of the following:

• Promotions every 2-3 years
• Activities that show they are learning new skills
• Thought leadership or involvement in industry groups
• Recommendations or endorsements from others
• Credentials that match those of the senior leadership team

You may want to change your boss if they are (1) staying stuck as a mid or lower-level employee that’s been in the same role, title, and function for the last 10 years, (2) trying to limit your exposure to other senior people or departments, or (3) constantly taking credit for your work.

Your boss matters so if you are ambitious and want to move up in your career, follow someone who is heading to the top. If you work for a true superstar, they will pave the way for you as long as you can keep up just like you will pave the way for those behind you. If you can’t find a great boss and still want to move up quickly in your career, then you might have to switch firms or strike out on your own.

Photo by Kiran Foster

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This insight came from a recent conversation I had with the CEO of a top financial services firm.  He talked about the mentors that guided him, the peers who supported him and the employees who executed on his strategy. Before he became CEO, he focused on helping others get what they want and in turn, they helped him become CEO. When you hear it, it sounds obvious but when I reflect on my experiences and those of the high-performers I coach, it’s not common practice.

It’s easy to glorify the individual. Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk have come to symbolize entire companies. This constant exposure to individual heroes makes it easy to forget all of the other people who helped to make these companies successful.

If you want a successful career and to have impact, you need others to help you so your influence extends beyond one person’s effort and accomplishments. The simple way to get a village behind you is to:

Keep helping others win.

People follow a leader because they believe their lives will be better for it. If you want to lead, you need to know how you can make the lives of others better.

The two steps to achieve this is to:

1. Understand what others care about – take time to learn their personal and professional aspirations and struggles
2. Constantly find ways to help them achieve those goals or overcome those challenges

That’s it.

Look at the people in your “village” and list the 5 individuals who can make the most positive impact in your career.  Ask yourself:

• What are their aspirations and challenges?
• How can I help them today?

Photo by Bo Nash

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At some point in your career, you will encounter uncivil situations at work.

Your colleague knowingly takes credit for your work. Your boss berates you and actively blocks your next career move. Your colleague interrupts you in a meeting or checks their email during your presentation.

No matter how others disrespect you, your response to these uncivil situations is what counts.

To preserve the peace, most people let it go and respond with silence. This may work in the short-term but if the issue persists, silence often shifts to violence in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, disengagement or in some cases, real violence.

To be take back control of a situation that seems out of your control, consider the 5 C’s:

Clarity

Get a clear and accurate picture of what is actually happening. What assumptions are you making about the situation and the other person’s behavior?

What you might perceive as being unreasonable or unfair may be legitimate and justified from the other person’s point of view.

For example, if your co-worker jumps in during your presentation at work. You may perceive that action as taking credit for your work while your colleague thought she was jumping in to help you out because you seemed to be struggling.

The best way to challenge your assumptions is to ask the other person why they did what they did. It’s important to keep a neutral tone when you ask as opposed to using an accusatory one. To help you stay neutral, give the other person the benefit of the doubt first.

Contribution

Many times, other people’s actions are a response to your actions.

Look closely at your actions and see if they might be misperceived. A good question to ask yourself,

“Why would a rational, good person do

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As a high-performer, you strive to learn new and effective strategies to enhance your life both professionally and personally. As you pick up these skills and insights and gain positive results, you begin to notice when other people are lacking this knowledge or skill set. This awareness puts you in danger of becoming a snob and you are officially recognized as a snob when you begin to judge others as being less than you because they don’t know what you know or do what you do.

This often happens when people gain new knowledge and expertise. They learn “proper” table manners and begin to look down on others who don’t hold their forks correctly. They learn a new religious or cultural custom and begin to show disdain for those who break the custom. They laugh at those not properly dressed for the occasion. This feeling of superiority and lack of empathy for others can hurt not only your relationships but also people’s perception of you.

Another more nuanced way people unknowingly become snobs is when they feel compelled to share their new knowledge with those around them. They do so with the good intention of helping others and there is nothing wrong with sharing knowledge – it’s when and how you do it that decides whether the other person will see you as being helpful or as a snob.

So how can you avoid being a snob when you learn something new?

• Share your knowledge only if the other person wants to hear it – for some people, there is nothing more annoying than unsolicited advice
• Offer your newfound insights as an option to be chosen rather than a rule to be followed
• Understand that the new strategy, mindset or behavior you’re recommending may work for you, but not for others because everyone is different
• Even if experts agree that what you’re recommending is “better”, don’t make the other person feel inadequate by devaluing their views or calling them ignorant

One simple guideline that helps me internalize these tips:

Give the other person choice AND respect their choice.

Share your positive experience and leave it up to the other person to choose what they want to do with it. Don’t see them as ignorant or less of a person because they disagree with you or choose not to adopt what you see as the better way of working. Your sincere respect for others should be reflected in both your words and actions.

Another way to avoid sounding close-minded or elitist, is to stay away from the following words:

• Should
• Always
• Never

Because every one of us is unique, absolutes typically don’t work. To connect with others, acknowledge that we are all different yet equal and entitled to our beliefs and choices. Unfortunately, this point is easy to forget because society rewards certain behaviors and punishes others. What is “good”, “right” or “successful” depends heavily on the context you’re in.

A helpful way to thrive in this subjective world might be to assume that:

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve currently chosen to believe as truth.

This will bring out your empathetic side.

Give it a try next time you:

• See someone improperly dressed for an event
• Disagree with the ideas or policies of your firm’s leadership
• Interact with someone who is missing all of the social cues you’re sending

Final piece of advice to keep in mind:

Your truth is as legitimate as mine – opt to educate as opposed to convert.

Photo by Deutschen Theater Berlin

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“It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you’ll drift in that direction.”

Warren Buffet

Who do you spend your time with and how much time do you spend with them?

If you’re not sure, consider recording the time you are spending with other people for two weeks and analyze the data. How much time are you spending with people who are worse than, as good as or better than you?

Once you’re clear on the people who you interact with often along with their impact on you, make a list of all the positive behaviors you want to adopt. Then identify the individuals, living or deceased, who exude those qualities.

What might you do to increase the time you spend with those who are exuding the behavior you want to adopt?

How might you connect with these individuals?

• What conferences or classes do they attend?
• Are they on social media?
• Can you connect with them through your network?

If you can’t meet in-person because they’re too busy or perhaps deceased, are there biographies you read?

Choose who you keep around you to take advantage of drifting in the direction of the company that you keep.

Photo by Christopher Michel

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