This thought came to me as I was reading Love + Work by Marcus Buckingham, where he states:

“… to live happily and fully, you have to express your loves… You’ve got to get them out somewhere, somehow. Turn them from loves into actions; from passions into contributions and when you do, your life feels coherent and authentic and you know, you just know, every fiber of your being that you’re on your path. The inverse is also true, though… if you’re prevented from doing it (what you love) then your life starts to feel wrong. During the moments when you start thinking about doing something different because you’re frustrated, angry, concerned, think about what is happening in your current job and what you’re prevented from doing.” 

For any given job or career, there are times when we feel energized and there are times when we feel like quitting (even though we are in the same job). Often, our immediate response to unhappiness at work is to think about our exit plan. Before going there, take a moment to think about what your organization may be inadvertently stopping you from doing that means a lot to you. That insight may help you find a path forward either in your current role or when you look for your next opportunity. 

If you’re not sure what you love, take the free Gift of Standout Assessment. 

Don’t deny what you love and what you’re meant to do because it may just eat you up from the inside.

Inspired by Love + Work by Marcus Buckingham

Photo by whoislimos

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These were the questions I asked myself during Professor Stew Friedman’s Total Leadership program at Wharton. What attracted me to take this course was Stew’s concept that work-life balance doesn’t work because it implies having to make trade-offs. Instead of managing life as slices of a pie that gets smaller or bigger at the expense of each other, his alternative was to consider different areas of your life as independent circles that can potentially overlap with each other.

This new construct helped me unlock the creativity to better optimize my life and it has transformed the way I live and work.

Before this course, I felt at the whim of my goals and the needs of my stakeholders. I felt forced to make tradeoffs in one area of my life because of the demands of another area and instead of leading my life, it was leading me. The process I learned in this live workshop with peer coaching helped me gain control over the important areas of my life. You’ll see below five insights that might be helpful to you as you think about leading all areas of your life:

Lead Your Life: Don’t Use One Area of Your Life to Make Excuses for Another Area

Before this program, I would often feel guilty that I did not get home early enough to spend time with my kids. I would use work as my excuse and rationalize that now is the time to focus on my career and once I’ve “made it”, I can carve out more time for family. Along the same vein, I would use my two young sons as the excuse for not exercising. I would tell myself, “How can I afford to work out if I don’t even have enough time to spend with my kids?” Then I would use the time I needed for work, school, family, and exercise to justify why I slept on average only five hours each night.

I found myself often saying how much I wanted to do these things but explaining how I couldn’t because of the many legitimate excuses that I had. Looking back, that was a weak way of living. This experience has taught me to either do what I say is important to do or stop saying it’s important to me. Either way is fine but continuing to make excuses is not.

As part of this course, we all conducted personal experiments. For my experiments, I committed to getting 7+ hours of sleep, getting home before 7pm during most of the work week, and exercising daily, which included running 2x a week. I was initially skeptical since I’ve had so many false starts trying to implement similar positive habits but I’m excited to share that so far I’ve not only sustained these habits but I just completed my first half-marathon after never running a race in the past.

What made the difference this time was clarifying the vision I wanted for my life and taking control to bring that vision to life. Essentially, leading myself to where I wanted to go.

Sleep Really Matters

I was lucky to choose sleeping 7+ hours as one of my experiments because there was no habit change that yielded faster and more drastic results than getting 7+ hours of sleep. I used to subscribe to the “you can sleep when you retire” and “I’m successful because I work harder and longer than everyone else” mantra. I’m beginning to see the fault in this thinking and realizing that I may have spun my wheels more often than I am aware of or care to admit.

After consistently getting 7+ hours of sleep, I noticed my mood becoming more positive and relaxed. What surprised me the most was that I immediately stopped craving coffee (I was drinking about 2-3 cups a day for the last few years).

I also found sleeping sufficiently a linchpin habit. The days when I was well rested, I almost always completed every other habit change along with my work and school goal for that day. It allowed me to exercise more self-control and discipline.

Create Constraints to Force Creativity

Forcing myself to get home early, sleep enough hours, and exercise daily meant taking time away from other areas of my life, especially work. Initially, I was worried I wouldn’t get my work done leading to adverse consequences. What I found instead was the most important work was still getting done and since my deadlines were tighter, I became more effective with my time. Having less time for work began to prevent me from over-engineering my work and school projects.

It also helped me to be more creative about my time. Instead of agreeing to drinks or dinner with a client, I would offer to meet for breakfast or lunch so I can keep my commitment to get home early. I started running and working out with other people as a great way to catch up with them. Interestingly, by creating constraints and forcing myself to keep these new habits, the quality of my life has increased at home and at work.

Be the Building Block for Other People’s Goals

One of the key exercises in the Total Leadership process was to set up conversations with the most important stakeholders in the different areas of your life. The goal is to ask your stakeholders about their expectations for you and how you’re doing in meeting those expectations.

Holding these conversations, I realized that I often see people around me as building blocks to my success and drive our interactions in the direction of my agenda and accomplishing my goals. Hearing people’s expectations of me have made me realize that other people have their own needs and aspirations and to create long-term, positive relationships with them, I need to be the building block for their goals and success.

If you want people to see you as a leader, they first have to recognize that their life will be better because they follow you. There is no better way to do that than to become a critical part in their quest for success and meaning.

Grow the Relationships You Take for Granted

Every year I have clear goals to improve and to grow my career. It seems like the natural thing to do. What’s interesting is when I reflect on my closest relationships, I don’t have the same aspirational tendency. I don’t think about growing these relationships and at best, the relationship stays where it is. The only time I pay attention is when the relationship gets strained and I spend just enough energy to get it back to the original level.

Applying the same growth mentality from my career to my personal relationships, I asked my wife, family, and others close to me what we needed to do to take our relationship to the next level. Just by having these conversations, my key relationships are beginning to thrive and grow and it’s having a positive impact on other areas of my life. When you ask people about their needs and truly listen, they often become open to sincerely understanding your needs. Another benefit to this exercise is it allows you to decide which relationships may not be worth investing in because the other person doesn’t want to engage.

To start this journey, craft the vision for your life and clarify your values. You choose the life you want to have and the key idea is to align your actions to bringing to life your vision. Stay attuned to how you’re tracking to your vision and continue iterating with experiments to find overlap in the different circles of your life.

If you would like to dive in deeper, check out Stew’s Total Leadership book, which outlines the exercises in his process. You can also take the Coursera version of the course.

Photo by Brooke Lark

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Beyond workaholics, this phrase puts off more people than it excites. When people think of the grind, they envision their routine commute and their brainless, repetitive tasks. Not exactly a motivating image.

Yet, the grind is needed for success.

Most of your working life will consist of the grind with achievements peppered throughout. Your career is similar to a watch that keeps running and only gets recognized when you’re looking for the time or when your alarm goes off. It’s not glorious but it’s the way things work. You can’t shortcut the time it takes to get great at something.

With that said, surviving the grind isn’t as bad as you think as long as you choose something you want to do. A nostalgic example that comes to mind for me is Super Mario Brothers (the original version on the Nintendo Entertainment System). Like most young children, I had a short attention span. Yet I would spend countless hours repeating the same exact stages over and over again because I wanted to “beat” the game and impress my friends. That was the grind.

What allowed me to keep going with this seemingly mundane task was making progress in the game. As long as I was moving ahead, the grind was paying off.

If you begin to question your daily grind, there is a good chance that you’re not seeing improvement or progress anymore. This should alarm you because you’re probably on the cusp of burning out or you’ve already disengaged from work. Neither one of these outcomes will bring you long-term success.

To succeed professionally, find meaningful work that will help you grow. How willing you are to embrace the grind will help you determine if you’re on the right track. Below is an excellent reminder from Paul Graham’s fantastic article on the shortness of life:

“Relentlessly prune bullshit, don’t wait to do things that matter, and savor the time you have. That’s what you do when life is short.”

– Paul Graham

Photo by Joe Madonna

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Ryan Holiday, in his new book, Ego is the Enemy, makes a great point about not confusing talk and recognition as real accomplishment. Look at what you’ve done and what you’re currently doing and ask yourself – is it of substance?

Are you impressive or do you just sound impressive?

Be honest.

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It’s easy to spend time focusing on the rewards of success.  We think about what we’ll do and how we’ll be once we get those rewards.  Then our minds drift to those who already have the trappings of success and we dwell on and perhaps even envy their lifestyles.

All of this time spent thinking about rewards is time not spent doing the work needed to be worthy of them.

To get what you want, do what Abraham Lincoln did to get what he wanted,

“Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say for one that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem. How far I shall succeed in gratifying this ambition, is yet to be developed. I am young and unknown to many of you. I was born and have ever remained in the most humble walks of life. I have no wealthy or popular relations to recommend me. My case is thrown exclusively upon the independent voters of this county, and if elected they will have conferred a favor upon me, for which I shall be unremitting in my labors to compensate. But if the good people in their wisdom shall see fit to keep me in the back ground, I have been too familiar with disappointments to be very much chagrined.“

Abraham Lincoln in his first political announcement.

Work to deserve what you want but know that you’re not entitled to get what you want. 

Inspired by Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin

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Sometimes it’s difficult to discern whether you’re passionate about what you are doing or if you’re just addicted to work.

Do you really love what you do or are you using passion to rationalize the sleep-deprived hours you spend away from friends and family?

This exact question popped into my mind after reading the chapter on being a workaholic in Chip Conley‘s insightful book, Emotional Equations. His thoughts on this topic compelled me to reach out to him for guidance and his response was enlightening.  It was so helpful that I refer to it every month to keep myself in check.

Here is his response:

“…workaholism leads to obsessive behavior that has more to do with proving yourself than improving yourself. A workaholic – who is in the midst of their compulsion – can feel and show anger when being “called” on their behavior. And, they have a very difficult time giving attention to anything else. Lastly, when a workaholic is in an emotionally challenged place, they almost always turn to work.

Someone living their calling is using who they are and their talents to channel something that feels bigger than themselves. They’re improving themselves, not just proving themselves. Yes, they may be obsessive about what they love doing, but when put in a position in which they have to focus on something else, they don’t usually feel anger. And, someone living their calling usually can enjoy other diversions as opposed to feeling frustrated or angry.”

Take a look back at your work this week – are you proving yourself or improving yourself?

Photo by Aravindan Ganesan

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Pause and look at your last 3 goals accomplished. Why did you complete them? How does it help you achieve your life’s mission?

If you don’t know your life’s mission, make it your next goal to find out.

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